It must have been fifteen, sixteen years ago. Not to the day, that would be stretching truth and memory a little too far and it is vital that you trust me on this: Microsoft almost killed me.
When I say “killed” I mean killed but when I say “me” I do, in fact, mean my career.
It was fifteen or so years ago and I had left college with a degree to my name and a whole load of skills without a place to put them. A job was needed but not just any job. With all the arrogant hope of the newly graduated I scoured the papers for the writing job that would suit my unproven skills. Teaching poetry? Not a problem. Writing for Coronation Street? Sounds easy enough. I had the comfort of a supportive creative writing lecturer and the knowledge of what zeugma means. How could I fail to impress?
The weeks turned to months and still no interviews. Then one turned up for a start up magazine. I wrote my sample piece (ok, maybe I ought to have written a LOT more sample pieces) and submitted.
That the interview took place in a upstairs room should have set the spider sense a-tingling but any fears I may have had were allayed by the deployment of the ultimate weapon: Excel.
Some people are getting all hung up on Powerpoint but for me, Excel was the killer (I’m not sure Powerpoint even existed back then – this was a time when Word came on a whole stack of floppy discs).
I thought my writing had secured me the coveted place in what would be the next Loaded (I know, NOW I know) but looking back it was the “editor” pitching me.
And he got me.
A detailed Excel based presentation proved beyond all shadow of a doubt that not only was the magazine viable, it was potentially revolutionary. All it took was example after example of how a simple change in one cell could affect every other part of the spreadsheet including (and spectacularly) the bottom line. That sold me. That paved the way for me to accept a job on the basis of a deferred first payment.
Then a second.
Then, yes, a third.
Month after month I wrote and (shudder all ye DTP afficianados) designed the magazine using Pagemaker and Photoshop.
The months I spent there kept me looking for real, paid, work but they awoke the urge to learn any and every new application I would need to do any and every new job that came my way. Working with the people I now work with I see just how important this first stage was and that despite the despondency, despite the scam, Excel showed me what could be achieved by a wing and a prayer.
I’m still owed £833.33 though.
